


In Confusion and In Chaos, I found Peace

by ElliotStark



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel (Supernatural), BAMF Castiel (Supernatural), Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel-centric (Supernatural), Fallen Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Helpful Dean Winchester, M/M, POV Castiel (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 15:14:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30057432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElliotStark/pseuds/ElliotStark
Summary: I’ve been hereSince the beginning of timeEven beforeThe birth of mankindGrowing upI was asked to love,Love humanitymore than my family"Why should I ?"I asked my brotherAnd he gave me an advice"Try falling and then you’ll realise"Years passed byHumans had thrivedI still haven’t gotThe chance to meet one aliveI still can’t loveThem more than my kind"Try falling and then you’ll realise"Words that I still can’t demystifyI was finally sent on earthTo help a man surviveA man,who was destined to save livesAnd I finally recognisedWhat my brother impliedI fell and I realisedHumans aren’t perfect but they try.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 1





	In Confusion and In Chaos, I found Peace

**Author's Note:**

> Oof- it took hell outta me to write this like  
> I AM TIRED NOW !
> 
> So, you better like it (just kidding)
> 
> I wrote the poem, no stealing ; D

_**I’ve been here** _

_**Since the beginning of time** _

_**Even before** _

_**The birth of mankind** _

Castiel held hands and happily hopped beside Gabriel who couldn’t help but grin at his little brother’s excitement as they descended to Earth.

They stopped at the shoreline, waiting for the fish to climb out .

"Gabriel ?"

"Yeah ?"

"Did father decide to make humans because he doesn’t likes us ?"

Gabriel sighed "who told you that lil bro?"

Castiel tipped his head up "Hêlêl was saying that to Anna…she agrees, she said that we both maybe his creation but humans are better and that’s why father likes them better”

"They are better" Gabriel nods "and dad loves them more than he’ll ever love angels"

"Why ?" Castiel’s voice quivered ‘why can’t he get his own father’s love ?’

"Oh brother" Gabriel smiles sympathetically and crouches down to his brother "when you will meet one, one true, righteous human, and when you’ll fall—" castiel’s eyes widened

"I don’t want to fall Gabriel !" He gasped

Gabriel chuckled "you will and that too with free will"

Castiel frowns "why ?"

Gabriel stood up again, smiling "look the fish is out"

Castiel looked at the shoreline and grinned wide, he left his brother’s hand and ran towards the fish

"Don’t step on the fish Castiel ! Big plans for the fish !"

_**Growing up** _

_**I was asked to love,** _

_**Love humanity** _

_**more than my family** _

"Balthazar ! What happened ? Why is everyone so quiet ? And where is brother Hêlêl ?"

"Nice to see you too Cassie" Castiel rolled his eyes

"I do not like it when out call me that"

Balthazar flipped him off "Hêlêl has been punished, his name is ‘Lucifer’ now"

"I don’t understand…" Castiel asked in a broken whisper "He was punished because he refused to love anyone more than his own father ? I refuse to do that too"

Balthazar clamped his hand on Castiel’s and hissed "shut up ! Don’t say that ! He’ll punish you too !"

"B-but I don’t understand how does father expects us to love someone more than him" his eyes watered

"You think too much, you ask too much, you feel too much !" Balthazar threw his hand exasperated and rolled his eyes "Just do what father says if you don’t want to end up like Hê—Lucifer"

Castiel frowned "Will you ? Love humans more than father ?"

Balthazar sighed "yes"

Castiel huffed "why ?"

"Because I love father and he asked Me to"

_**"Why should I ?"** _

_**I asked my brother** _

_**And he gave me an advice** _

_**"Try falling and then you’ll realise"** _

Castiel nods "c-can we see him for the last time ? Before he is locked"

"Too much heart Castiel !" Balthazar groaned "don’t think so much" he rolled his eyes …again "why can’t you just accept whatever’s happening ?"

Castiel frowned again "you can ?"

"Yes" Balthazar gritted his teeth "stop thinking so much, do whatever you are asked to do and please keep your little heart in control" He massaged his head in an attempt to soothe his frustration

‘does it works ?’ Castiel wondered

"Don’t— don’t feel so much castiel. . . I don’t want to lose one more brother" his brother never called him by his first name before this…’He must be scared’ Castiel thought, he tries to feel Balthazar’s energy to see what he feels, to confirm his suspicions but Balthazar didn’t radiate the feeling of being scared, he radiated pain, so much pain that he’s wondering how his big brother is not shouting, crying, wailing and asking for explanations.

Castiel nodded to his brother "I will forget these emotions Balthazar, only if that eases you"

Balthazar’s aura immediately calmed down.

Castiel swore to never feel again.

_**Years passed by** _

_**Humans had thrived** _

_**I still haven’t got** _

_**The chance to meet one alive** _

"I get to watch over humanity !?" Castiel exclaimed

"Yes Castiel" Anna smiled "only if you join my garrison, you are capable enough and I want you to take over if something happened to me"

Castiel’s eyes softened "we won’t let anything happen to you Anna"

"There are things which cannot be controlled"

Castiel nodded with understanding and stood up to leave "good bye Anna"

Anna smiled mischievously "I knew you always were a smart little angel"

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

Castiel smiled painfully as Anna fell, his heart wrenched in pain that he refused to embrace.

_**I still can’t love** _

_**Them more than my kind** _

_**"Try falling and then you’ll realise"** _

_**Words that I still can’t demystify** _

For 2000 years, he watched humanity everyday.

It reminded him of what he lost in order to stay.

Castiel closed his eyes as his hands fisted, he hated this, to suppress his emotions, to have no choice, to not question and just go with the flow, to pretend to love humanity when he hated it, hated it for taking there father away from them, he blamed them for the absence of a father’s love in his life but he couldn’t express this, he promised, he won’t hurt his family just because he couldn’t be a good angel. No.

"Castiel"

"Uriel" he acknowledged the angel, breaking his chain of thoughts

"We have a new aim"

"What is it?"

"We have to raise Dean Winchester from hell"

_**I was finally sent on earth  
** _

_**To help a man survive** _

_**A man,** _

_**who was destined to save lives** _

_"I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."_

_"Who are you?"_

_"Castiel"_

_"Yeah, I figured that much, I mean what are you?"_

_"I'm an Angel of the Lord."_

_"Get the hell out of here. There's no such thing."_

_"This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith."_

Humans ? They are works of art, beautiful. They love, they learn, they feel, they forgive, they question and find answers but they are suffering. In confusion and in chaos, they are suffering and they are praying, pleading, shouting for help, for god but no one is hearing. Then why aren’t they giving up ? Shouldn’t they just stop feeling than feel pain ? Stop existing than hurt yourself again and again ?

_"What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam."_

_“You can take your peace and shove it up your lily white ass Because I’ll take the pain, and the guilt, I’ll even take Sam as is. It’s a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise. This is simple Cas! No more crap about being a good soldier. There is a right and there is a wrong here and you know it. LOOK AT ME! You know it. Now you were gonna help me once weren't you? You were gonna warn me about all this before they dragged you back to Bible camp. Help me now, please!"_

_“What would you have me do?”_

_"Take me to Sam and we can stop all this before it’s too late!"_

_“If I do that, we will all be hunted. We will all be killed."_

_“If there is anything worth dying for, this is it.”_

Dean Winchester helped him find himself.

He rebelled against heaven, he stood by the Winchesters, he fell but he found happiness, between chaos, he found love. He found home.

A home where he could be himself, where he can be confused about humans and yet adore them, where he can express his emotions and not be threatened for it, where he can make mistakes and learn from them, where he can question and find an answer, where he is not bound to whoever he was supposed to be but was free to be whoever he wants to be.

He was allowed to fall in love.

With the man who he raised from the perdition, the man who showed him that its ok to feel, to question, to love. The man who showed him that he is not broken and if he does breaks ? His family will be there to pick up.

_"I love you. Goodbye, Dean"_

_**And I finally recognised** _

_**What my brother implied** _

_**I fell and I realised** _

_**Humans aren’t perfect but they try.** _

**Author's Note:**

> I was originally planning to make angel!steve x Tony but then I was already working a on a multi chapter Steve Rogers/Tony stark which will come out in a few weeks cause, well, I am still working on it.


End file.
